This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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