I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Who died my cat blue again?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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