I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
