Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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