so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
