you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
