Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
