you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
