Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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