You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
