you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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