i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We are two peas in an std pod
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
