the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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