90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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