For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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