The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
