Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
