Don't make out with my wife yet
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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