You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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