my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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