There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
