He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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