My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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