The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
