Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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