Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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