If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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