Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
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Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
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Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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