I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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