i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just found puke in my bra..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
