Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
