Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
