I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
