HIV tests are more positive than that guy
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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