Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
