i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
