Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
