When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
