so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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