if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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