I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
whose ass print is on the piano?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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