happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I intend to get homeless drunk
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
