If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
