Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
