I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
