if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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