i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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