party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
