you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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