Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Shame is for Republicans.
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