Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
