I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
