just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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