i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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