You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
