He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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